


Never Put a Demon and a Horse in the Same Room

by boredom



Series: Crowley and Queen (A Friendship to end all Friendships!) [8]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alcohol, Crowley is a mess, Drunk Crowley, Gen, Humor, crowley is an idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:27:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23595316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boredom/pseuds/boredom
Summary: The guys have a great idea for their latest music video. It's just too bad Crowley has some unresolved issues with horses.
Series: Crowley and Queen (A Friendship to end all Friendships!) [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1571422
Comments: 12
Kudos: 73





	Never Put a Demon and a Horse in the Same Room

**Author's Note:**

> This one was a lot of fun to write. I hope it brings a smile to everyone's faces in these hard times.

No one looked up when tires screeched across the pavement along with some loud shouting. Everyone was used to Crowley's driving by now. They knew how Crowley drove and the best way to tell that he had arrived was to listen for a screech of tires and the shouts of pedestrians. How he hadn't hit any people yet was a miracle. 

"Hey guys, sorry I'm late." Crowley sauntered through the doors; hips swinging side to side and a new set of designer sunglasses on his face. 

"It's not like you're the one who's working," Roger snorted. Seriously, what did Crowley do for a living? Everyone assumed he was some sort of high-profile lawyer. But if he was, he was never in court and no one could figure out who his clients were. And yet, he had enough money to buy a pricey flat in Mayfair, eat out at expensive restaurants, buy expensive bottles of wine, and wear expensive (if not gaudy) clothes. At this point, though, no one questioned it. Maybe he was a trust fund baby. 

"Ah, yes music videos." Crowley flopped down on the couch and pulled out a bottle and glass of wine. Where he kept that bottle and glass was another mystery. He always seemed to have some sort of alcohol on him. 

"Amazing invention, music videos. Clever little humans, thinking of ways to perform music. As if phonographs weren't enough. Now you have all sorts of cassette tapes and records and betamax. Wonder if that one will take off." 

Crowley also had a strange way of looking at the world. Sometimes, Roger wondered if he were human. The way he spoke about things, it was almost as if he had been there since the beginning of time itself. It wasn't possible, of course. But despite Crowely's 'devil may care' attitude, there were times when he seemed older than time itself, wise beyond his years and having experienced many terrible things.

That image of Crowley was often squashed when he did stupid things like attempt to ask for a martini 'shaken, not stirred' and then promptly choked on a cigar. 

"What's the theme of this one, then?" he asked. "Futuristic? Versailles? Office worker?" 

"Oh, you're going to love this, darling." Freddie grinned. "Come on, I'll show you the set." 

He motioned for Crowley to stand up and the group all went together to a small outdoor space in the back of the studio. 

"What are we doing out here?" Crowley asked, looking around before draining the rest of the bottle. Roger feared for that man's liver. He really did. 

"Ta-da!" Brian said, gesturing to a beautiful horse standing on a small grassy patch. "It's this cool knight theme. We're each going to ride horses and whatnot. Isn't that great?" 

The bottle fell from Crowley's hand and his glasses slipped down. He was wearing those weird snake contacts that Roger often saw beneath the glasses. 

The horse stopped pawing at the ground and turned to look at Crowley. It stared; it's black eyes seemed to understand the situation. 

Crowley let out a hiss and stared back. It seemed as though the entire Earth had stood still, save for the wind that swept past them. The horse continued to stare at Crowley, not moving, not even flicking its tail to attack the flies that landed on it. 

Crowley's fingernails almost seemed to elongate into something more similar to claws. Everyone was still, waiting, unsure of what to do in this unnerving situation. 

"Well then," Brian said, snapping everyone out of their trance. "I think we should head back inside and finish hair and makeup."

And just like that, life was back to normal. Sounds came filtering back to Earth.

"What was that about?" Roger asked.

"Don't question it," Brian hissed, leading them all back inside.

Roger knew better than to question the strange occurrences that happened around Crowley. He knew that some things could not be explained, still his brain wanted some sort of explanation. It wanted some sort of closure so that he could understand how the world worked. 

But Brian was right. There were somethings that you didn't question. Sometimes, you didn't want to know the answer. 

So they filed back inside and worked to get in their armor replicas and swords and everything. It was going to be an awesome music video. It would be theatrical, dramatic, and strangely enough, fit the song perfectly. Roger could hardly wait. If Freddie did more things like this, then maybe they'd let him take control of more videos. 

About thirty minutes later, he realized their conversation had stayed relatively normal. "Hey," he asked, upon realizing why that was. "Where's Crowley?" 

They looked around. He was nowhere in the room with them. 

"Shit," Freddie said, getting off of his chair and walking towards the door, the armor clanking the entire way there. 

"Shit," Brian followed after him. 

Roger looked at John, who shrugged and followed them as well. The armor was heavy and difficult to move in, but they all managed to make their way outside to see Crowley, next to the horse... arguing.

"Don't you use that kind of language with me!" he shouted, clearly drunk. "Imma tell you who's the boss here. That boss is me." 

The horse whinnied.

Crowley pointed a finger at it. "How dare you. I'll have you know that that was a well-respected leader. What have you done to further the end game of our lord and master, Sssssssssssssssssatan?" 

"What the fuck is going on?" Freddie asked. 

"He's your crazy friend!" Brian cried. 

"No." Freddie paused and glanced back at Crowley, who had two fists up and looked like he was trying to box with the horse. "He's our crazy friend." 

Roger shook his head. "No, this is on you. You've known him the longest. What's he doing?” 

"Looks like he's trying to box with the horse." John did not seem as disturbed by this as he should have been. 

"Oh, yeah. Bet you can't see these fists coming, you demon." Crowley jabbed at the horse and proceeded to bob and weave as if the horse was actually punching him back. "Yeah, I'm not going to ride you, you unnatural beast of burden. Think you're going to win this round? Think again!" 

"Well, deal with it." Roger pushed Freddie forward. They were losing daylight and had to get this music video started now.

Freddie let out a pathetic whine, but continued to step forward. 

The horse whinnied again. 

Crowley gasped. "You take that back you son of a bitch."

The horse neighed. 

"I know you're not a dog! I'm not stupid." 

The horse whinnied. 

"I designed the M-25 in the Dark Sigil Odegra and no one noticed! How's that for intelligence!"

Brian sighed. "Sadly, boys, I think this is too much for Freddie to handle. I'm going to call Aziraphale."

Roger let out a strangled whine as Brian stepped away to find the nearest phone. Somehow, being left alone with this mess was terrifying. 

"Hey, buddy?" Freddie said. He was walking so slowly towards Crowley, he looked like he had stopped. "How about we step away from the horse?" 

"This demonic presence must know its place!" 

"Is Crowley Scottish?" John asked. 

"Why are you asking me like I know?" Roger groaned. 

Freddie looked back at them, fear and pain in his eyes. 

"Well go on. We don't own these horses and we need the safety deposit back," John said, urging Freddie forward once more. 

He turned back to Crowley who was now kicking the horse. Or, rather, he was flailing his legs in the general vicinity of the horse. It was as if he wasn't used to using legs and had only now gotten the hang of general motion. Maybe Roger shouldn't complain too much. John was right; they really needed the safety deposit back on the horse. 

"Crowley, seriously, let's get away from the horse and go back inside." 

"I'm not leaving. I need to win this argument!" 

"What argument? What is so important that you can't leave the horse alone for five minutes?" Freddie cried. 

Crowley stopped. He turned. His eyes were like snake eyes, yellow with slits for pupils. His tongue was long and forked and he definitely had fangs. 

It had been a joke amongst the band that Crowley wasn't fully human. But looking at him now, Roger realized that he wasn't human. His heart pounded in his chest and he felt scared, truly scared to be in his presence. 

John was gripping his arm and Freddie was frozen in place. 

"Oh, for Heaven's sake!" Aziraphale sighed. 

Roger heard a snap. 

He blinked several times. He had been having the most pleasant dream. 

He blinked a few times to see Aziraphale with Crowley's arm slung over his shoulder, eyes obscured by glasses, body slumped over, barely standing on his own. The horse behind them seemed very proud, as if he had won the hypothetical argument Crowley claimed they were having. 

"Terribly sorry about that. He's got some unresolved issues with horses," Aziraphale said, almost nervously. 

"Wait, what happened?" John asked, rubbing his head. "I feel like I fell asleep?" 

"Probably just daydreaming. I can imagine this wasn't interesting in the slightest." Aziraphale laughed. He was definitely hiding something. 

"Are you sure?" Freddie asked. "I feel like I'm missing a chunk of time."

"Quite sure. Luckily for you, I was in the area. New bakery opened up a few blocks from here and I decided to check it out." 

"How did Brian know where to call then? He only knows the bookshop number?" Roger asked. 

"Um." Aziraphale glanced at Brian, who looked as dazed and confused as the rest of them. "Um, right. I'm assuming you lovely young chaps need to get on with the music video. I'd hate to keep you waiting. I know how much things like this cost." 

"He's not answering any of our questions," John said. 

"I think we just let it go for now," Roger replied. 

"Thank you ever so much for humoring him." Aziraphale sidled between John and Roger, practically carrying Crowley in a surprising display of strength. "I'll be sure to have a chat to leave his horse related traumas to himself." 

"Demon," Crowley muttered. "Demon that runs on its fingernails." 

"Yes, dear." 

"Unnatural beast of burden. Eyes on the side of its head." 

"Quiet, my dear boy." He waved at them one last time. "Nice suits of armor. Bit inaccurate. The pauldron's not supposed to go there. Still. Thank you so much. Good luck. I hope you sell a lot of bebop records." 

"Bebop?" Freddie almost sounded offended by Aziraphale's use of the word.

The pair managed to stumble into a cab and headed off of the set. 

They looked at each other. 

"Let's scrape the horse idea." Brian said. 

"It was stupid to begin with." John started removing his arm guards. 

"And expensive." Roger said, making his way back inside. 

"And uncomfortable." Freddie shook his head and followed them. "I'll get Crowley to foot the bill for today. Tomorrow, let's do something else." 

"And let's never have a horse on set again." 

"Agreed."

**Author's Note:**

> Did Queen ever have a music video involving a horse? I wouldn't doubt it, but I also haven't seen every Queen Music Video out there.


End file.
